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On 31 October I left the - unseasonably warm though gloomy - British autumn weather and flew to the far ends of the earth. Well Sydney anyway!

I was met by my smiley son looking bronzed and handsome and utterly relaxed. “I’ve got us a hotel in the red light district Ma” he said.

He knew I would love it. Tarts and transvestites and other such colourful folk came out as the daylight faded. It was absolutely riveting. Funny thing though, the area was called Kings Cross, yet it in no way resembled its English namesake. So clean and modern, there was not a trace of seediness, even the denizens did not measure up to stereotype, they looked much too bronzed and healthy. Anyway it was most entertaining. The room itself was really well chosen, with stunning views over Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Opera House.

My first sight of them was after dark, we wandered over, after drinks in a bar high above the harbour and a seafood dinner at the waterside, to gaze at a full moon seeming to hang between the points of the Opera House roof.

Unlike most tourist attractions the place was deserted, except for the odd taxi appearing just when it was wanted. My idea of bliss. That was until I looked at the view from the hotel window in the morning light and was delighted to discover jacaranda in bloom. Puffs of intense blue dotted around the city.

Hey I was on holiday, here to relax I fondly imagined!

Ho, ho , ho, not so...  Jason subjected me to a tour of the city – on foot – little me scurrying along, trying to keep up with him. At the end of the day my legs seized up but pride would not let me moan. However when I got up in the morning and he suggested another walk, I permitted myself a little whimper. My legs had absolutely no intention of accompanying him on any more walks that day. We got on a Sydney Explorer Bus instead.

I was introduced to Sydney nightlife, a la some expat friends of J’s who we met in a bar and who then accompanied us to a posh looking harbourside restaurant, where we drank some fine wine and dined on the hautest cuisine for absolutely silly money. We ate things like scallops and tiger prawns on green pawpaw and mango salad and followed that with barramundi (better than monkfish) others had John Dory or Blue eyed Cod. This was to be a recurrent theme, there was meat on offer of course in many restaurants, notably kangaroo – surprisingly delicious - but who could resist the fresh caught seafood and exotic fish. Mornings began with plates laden with tropical fruit and then, if we were still hungry, good old English breakfasts.

We saw a play by Moliere at the Opera House, unfortunately the only “opera” on offer was Sweeney Todd, which I suspect was actually a second rate musical. We were treated to a barbie on Bondi Beach before we set off for the Blue Mountains. The scenery was wonderful, so much of it and so many variations. There were the Three Sisters, strange rock formations at Katoomba in the Blue Mountains. The Blue Mountains so called because aromatic oils exuded by the eucalyptus trees hang in the air and turn it blue.

The hotel was to die for – a colonial mansion with pillared verandah, extravagantly decorated and painted ceilings, Victorian bathrooms ensuite – all almost free!! We got there rather late though and discovered Aussies eat dinner early and but for the discovery of a grubby little cafe would have gone to bed hungry.

We pressed on the next, Jason intending to show me a little of the Australian bush, but the heavens opened and when the hire car spun on the soft mud and ended up nose into the hillside (one more turn and we might have gone over the edge!) he asked whether we should go on or turn back – three guesses as to my decision.

The rain beat down, monsoon fashion and as dusk fell we decided to stop for the night but the town in which we found ourselves seemed to consist of a main street (like the old westerns) and we could not find a single hostelry. Darkness has a funny way of conjuring up all the horror stories you have ever read and just as I was imagining zombies creeping up to the car we saw a motel sign. Half an hour later we were eating a good dinner and tasting some fine Aussie wine and all was again well. This motel was so cheap I think the bloke paid us to stay there !

Another day found us in Canberra, lavishly designed but it doesn’t really work.

Unlike Sydney where the shops and entertainment areas are grouped together for easy access, the long wide avenues made getting about on foot very difficult. We shared a room high above the city. It was getting dark and we changed for dinner. Jason poured some wine and took it out onto the balcony for us to sit and sip in the gathering dusk. I noticed a typewritten sheet on my bed – it was from the housekeeper. She invited us to phone her on a certain number if we found moth(s) in the room. She went on to say that at this time of year a certain species of moth migrated for some reason or other and the hotel was built directly in the mothy flight path. She warned us to close all doors and windows after dark since of course they would be attracted to the lights. I had a nasty feeling about this and insisted that Jason come in at once and close the balcony doors.

We learned subsequently that the moths in question are about the size of the average dinner plate!

The next day we headed for Tidbinbilla Game Reserve where we had a walk a short distance to view kangaroos. The floor around us teemed with BIG ants so there was no sitting down for a picnic. It began to rain - very hard - but sheltering under a tree was hazardous as there was much lightning activity and the very tree trunks were alive with ants anyway.

Not having much choice we walked on in the pouring rain, at least it was warm rain and you dripped dry as soon as it stopped. The kangaroos looked back at us and although we had been told it was okay to pet them we were not inclined to do so, since they exuded a particularly horrible pong.

It was as we were on our way out of the reserve that a tree branch fell on my head, or so I thought, I put my hand up to investigate and claws ripped at my hand and something really hard banged at the side of my head. Jason was ahead of me and I must have shrieked or something because he turned to see a “magpie” hovering over me. I was being “swooped” because it thought I was after its nest. The b........ nest was high overhead. The bird flew up to a branch and continued to glare nastily at me. I was so shocked I just hurried off. Behind us was a Japanese family and they found the spectacle unutterably funny. Well they would wouldn’t they, it must have looked like one of their game shows!

Australia is such an outdoorsy place that there is nothing to do when it rains, except in Sydney and that has many delights, most of which we sampled. Our next adventure was to the wine country, namely the Hunter Valley. Jason chose a Tuscan villa style cabin for our two night stay. Not quite as cheap but still good and a very good dinner was thrown in for the price.

After a scrummy breakfast the next day, we got a call from Phil and Ally Brown saying they would be joining us later. Jason and I poodled off to the swimming pool, a few yards from our door to while away the afternoon.

We did manage a couple of hours but it was sooo hot and the flies worried at us, so we had to escape back to the apartment. Phil and Ally arrived in due course and we helped them find a bed for the night, at the next “vineyard” since ours was now crawling with guests for the Confederate Ball that night. We had known about it and considered going, but in the end could not be bothered to organise the fancy dress. Dinner a quatre was tremendous fun. Food and wine more than up to scratch, then we walked under a harvest moon back to our vineyard, had a nightcap and waved the Browns goodnight. Next day we visited the cellar doors of a few other vineyards, including Hardy’s and Lindemans.

Jason didn’t waste time tasting the cheaper wines, he pointed out that the you can only taste a limited amount of wine so you might as well go straight for the Reserve. Jolly nice too – we did it all properly and spat the tastings out, well nearly all of them!

Lunch was at a fabulous place, all done up like a Spanish Mission with stone fountain and exotic plantings. Ally and I enjoyed a platter of seafood enhanced with ginger and guavas and mangoes – absolutely gorgeous. The lads had steak I think but we couldn’t manage wine, to the absolute disbelief of the female sommelier, who kept popping up and saying she was ready to take the drinks order, she did this several times – absolutely determined to make us order some wine - but only succeeded in reducing us all to giggles. Later we parted company with the Browns and headed for Port Stephen, on Ally’s recommendation. We found another gem of a place to stay.

Overlooking the bay, with a swimming pool etc. Jason chuckled at the price – again almost free. I swam in the pool even though it began to rain, odd sensation. The season obviously had not begun because when we walked down to the seafront looking for a good dinner so we went back to the hotel and only just got in for dinner in the hotel, and that was only because the maitre d’ was a screaming queen and could not take his eyes off Jason, he really camped it up to make us laugh. He had obviously clocked Jason earlier because he asked how the car was. (A mechanic had come to fix the window of our car soon after we arrived.)

In the morning Jason booked us a ride in a 4x4 Dune buggy. I was not too enthusiastic about this but we had a marvellous time. There was only one other vehicle around that day and we did not see him until the end of our (I think) 4 hour trip. We careened up and down enormous dunes, looked at a shipwreck and Tin City – where people simply erected tin shacks and lived among the dunes. There were only about half a dozen of them. Driving among the dunes made you feel you were on another planet – if you have ever read DUNE – it was just how I imagined it. Our driver said Star Wars and Mad Max had been filmed here. Later Jason and our driver got out some planks and did sand tobogganing down the enormous dunes. I declined. That night we dined at a breakwater restaurant. It was almost deserted but I had a huge crab for my dinner.

Back on the road again and we came to The Entrance. A river delta. A clean and delightful place with lots of limpid shallows and rock pools between enormous slabs of flat rock, oh and sand banks, miles of it. There were lots of sea birds, cormorants and pelicans, not at all shy of us. We wallowed around for an hour or two then headed back to Sydney. Along the way we stopped to look over a headland and got covered in horrible black flies, yeuk, we rushed back to the car. Flies were omnipresent in Australia. And while we got out to look at some fantastic rock formations and waterfalls in a forest later on and had to retreat again because of their persistence.

Back in Sydney, Jason decided we had had enough of ‘roughing it’ and checked us into a sumptuous hotel, probably the best I have ever stayed in, and I have stayed in a few. I think we had three chaps attending, one took the car keys and we did not have to do anything else. Our luggage appeared at our door.

Phil and Ally visited our in our opulent eyrie and we watched the Mummy Returns. They went off and we had dinner in Alfredo’s – or something like that. There was a group of aged Americans singing along in cracked voices to patriotic American themes they had obviously requested from the resident pianist. Then they would clap tearfully and mutter that everyone else should be doing so. Jason ordered a superb Wolf Blass Shiraz to accompany our dinner. I had Balmain Bugs. Before you wince, they are a mollusc found only in the Sydney area. Lobster like meat without all the fiddly claws to contend with, they deliver as succulent a piece of flesh as you could ever wish for. However, they are big and grey shelled and not particularly pretty. The Americans were dying to know what I was eating so in the end we made friends with them.

By now it was all getting a bit jumbled and I can’t remember what we did next. I know we wandered around Chinese markets. Bought shirts and tee shirts cheaper than Oxfam. J tried to make me drink wheatgrass (for energy, he said) but when I saw the little smirk on the face of the Chinese girl who was preparing it, I lost enthusiasm - one sniff and I gagged, the Chinese girl fell about. Jason happily threw the lot down his neck. But did I see a shudder??

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